The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

Intro: verse 1 For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree And he's planted it against the garden wall Bridge It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly touched the sky It's the biggest aspidistra in the world We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world When father's had a skin full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes' He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world verse 2 We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade So they put the water rates up half a crown The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes And they came up half a mile outside the town Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot house But a jealous rival went and burnt it down Bridge 2 The tom cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out Up the biggest aspidistra in the world They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world Bridge 3 It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey Its the oldest aspidistra in the world So we water it with half a pint of Guiness every day Its the stoutest aspid - istra in the world The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a crown It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world Outro N.C. The biggest, biggest, biggest aspidistra in the world