Ghost Ship

Gatesy: See the lonely township, peacefully sleeping. The sun hides once again behind the sea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea.... Most are safely dreaming: Angel kisses... Yon: (Makes "kiss kiss kiss... flutter flutter flutter" noises) (Pause) Gatesy: Butterflies... Yon: BWARK! BWARK! BWARK! (Pause) Gatesy: But sinners can't escape so easily. Yon: The murderers, the thieves, and the fraudulent. Tripod: The overweight, the working-class, the foreigners. Scod: Urgh! Tripod: They all must beware, for what's that looming there? An evil spectre on the sea! Scod: Wooooaw! Tripod: Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship! Gatesy: Coming to get them... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Scod: Sinners, beware! Tripod: Ghost Ship! Scod: Ain't no escaping... (palm muted) Tripod: ... the Ghost Ship coming there... Yon: Toot toot! (Pause) Scod: What was that, Yon? Yon: What was that? It's the Ghost Ship - Toot toot! Scod: Yon, it's gotta be scary! Yon: Umm... right, yeah. TOOT TOOT. Scod: Yon, it's the Ghost Ship, all right. It's gotta be really disturbing. Gatesy: Grrrrr.... Yon: Umm... oh! Milky discharge. Gatesy: Yeah! Scod: Yeah! Gatesy: That's disturbing! Scod: Spot on! Scod: Its masts are made of piled-up skulls, Its decks are made of human nuts. Its sails are made of sailor skin. Tripod: Its guts are made of... Scod: ... guts! Tripod: It's a feat of engineering. Yon: I wonder who built it? Gatesy: I wonder who built it as well, Yonny. Gatesy: Out of the night, under the ocean stars, I was standing with my baby on the boardwalk, and the Ghost Ship was there. I took her to the pictures, And then I took her home, yeah! (Scod stops playing) And then I took her to heaven, you know what I mean... Gatesy: And it was kind of dirty, and we got out the Glad Wrap... (Audience cheer) Scod: I don't want to stop it, but... umm... now, I'm just gonna go with some of the audience reaction... Gatesy: Yeah... Scod: ... and suggest that a few of the punters, they've spotted the same inconsistency that I've spotted, Gatesy! Now, when did this suddenly become about some woman? Gatesy: Ohh, I see, right! Well, I figured that if this Tosswinkle the Pirate show was like a concept album, then this Ghost Ship song would be our first single, yeah? And we want to make a bit of money out of this for a change, yeah? So if we want to get this... want to get this single selling - sure, the guys, Dave, he loves that "ooga booga" scary stuff, with the galleon and the water, and OOOH!, but the girls - as soon as you talk about love, now you have the ladies listening. Ahh! Because the girls want to imagine they're making love to the singer. (Audience laughter) Gatesy: They're not supposed to laugh at that one. Scod: Hmm! Gatesy: Go with me guys on this - a one-ie and a two-ie and a three-four. Tripod: Ghost Ship! Gatesy: My baby kisses like a... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Gatesy: I touched my baby on her... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Gatesy: My trousers are bursting... Scod: All right, all right, stop the train! Just a minute, all right, okay. Sorry - "I touched my baby on her Ghost Ship". Gatesy: Yeah! Scod: Now... where exactly is a woman's "Ghost Ship"? Gatesy: Don't you know? Scod: know... I'm just seeing, you know, if it translates. Yon: That... that's enough. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you're onto something, Gatesy. I think, you know, this whole love thing could be... could be a bit of a... unit mover. Gatesy: I reckon! Yon: Yeah! I mean, but, you're just coming in a little bit too fast, though, that's all. Gatesy: You reckon? Yon: You know, you need to create a little bit of a mood, you know, get inside the head of a female girl, you know? Can I give you an example of what I mean? Scod: Sure. Yon: After two - one, two. Tripod: Ghost Ship! Yon: Expressing my feelings... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Yon: Being a good listener... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Yon: A thoughtful companion... Scod: I don't even know what this song's about any more! Gatesy: So, it's like foreplay? Yon: Yeah! Scod: NO! It's not about foreplay! All right, it's not, it's about a horrible spectral ship that comes to get sinners, all right? Gatesy: Well, what are they wearing? Is it sort of a leather thing with a... Scod: No! For Christ's sake, will you just focus? Okay. There might be a woman on it, but it's because she's a sinner. So it's more like, okay, scary, like: Scod: The woman's a sinner, she's gonna be dragged away... Gatesy: But not before I bone her on the boardwalk till the morning comes! Yon: I bought a sentimental card, with flowers and a pink desi-i-ign. Scod: She'll be torn apart by demons... Gatesy: While she's touching my buns! Tripod: Ghost Ship! Yon: A caring environment... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Scod: A den of the damned... Tripod: Ghost Ship! Gatesy: Overtly sexual... Scod: Murderous! Yon: Empathy! Gatesy: Nude! Scod: Banshees! Yon: Thoughtful! Gatesy: ... Arse! Tripod: Ghost Ship! Gatesy: Yeah! Give it to me! Scod: You guys suck! Yon: Yeah! Scod: You're just encouraging him, don't!