To Be A Liberal

Verse On my way in here tonight I bruised my nose hugging a tree. I was late ‘cause I had to stop by on my way in San Quentin to set a criminal free. And I ran out on seven-grain bee-pollen macrobiotic organic sustainable medical marijuana for my jerky knee. Do you know how hard it is to be a liberal? Well, do ya? I had to learn to speak French, Spanish, Hindi, and dolphin just so I could relate. I’m exhausted from taxing and spending, and controlling the media, and hiding my agenda, and ruling San Francisco as a separatist nation-state. And in yoga today, I got bent out of shape ‘cause the guy doing bow-pulling pulls in front of me was intolerant which I hate! Do you know how hard it is to be a liberal? Well, do ya? Constantly feeding the hungry and bleeding my heart and exceeding my budget and needing approval and reading The Nation and leading a sing-along — EVERYBODY! (No wait, that was just an impulse. Sorry.) I was shootin’ hoops with some brothas when I sprained my ba-donka-donk and ya know that ain’t chill. I saved an endangered snail-darter from being eaten by an endangered spotted owl which I saved from being eaten by an endangered snow-leopard which I saved from being shot by a poacher who I had to kill — (with kindness. It took a while.) And I hit a speed bump and I spilled my chi-latte all over the hemp-covered seats of my Prius and the speed-bump turned out to be a homeless Native American so I apologized and gave him some land, I stomped out his cigarette and took away his gun and shot myself in the nuts on my way to my frivolous lawsuit for sexual harassment where I was suing myself ‘cause I masturbated — against my will! Do you know how hard it is to be me? Do you know how hard it is just to be a knee-jerk liberal? What I wouldn’t give to be a circle-jerk conservative!